My first recommendation before watching The Coffee Table would be, do not read up on it. Don’t read the synopsis, reviews (well, except for mine! LOL), plot details, etc. Knowing this Spanish movie involves a coffee table is the only tool you will need for a blind watch.

Oh, and perhaps, some anti-depressants.  

What type of a story could be so gut-wrenchingly horror-filled with a name such as “The Coffee Table”, right? Is the furniture supernatural? Does it invoke demons? Do the gold-plated figurines come to life and venture on a serial killing spree?  

The Coffee Table opens with the birth of a beautiful baby boy for first-time parents Jesus (Pareja) and Maria (de los Santos). Jesus is ambivalent about being a father, but impulsive when it comes to getting his way, hence the offhand purchase of a very gaudy and unattractive coffee table featuring 2 gold laminated curvaceous statues, holding up a heavy rectangular piece of “unbreakable” glass. During the haggling and obvious prudence of Maria who doesn’t hold back anything since her recent motherhood responsibilities have taken effect, Jesus wears her down and buys this horrid stand for their inherited apartment. Whatever misgivings I had during this sleezy transaction were sidelined when Jesus had to push an incredibly large heavy box up flights of stairs and I could swear Ross Geller was behind me screaming “PIVOT!!!”  

But I digress…  

Upon entering their new life, we learn about some inquisitive neighbors including a precocious 13-year-old blackmailer, Jesus’ incorrigible brother Carlos and his young girlfriend, Cristina expected to arrive for a welcome baby brunch, and the fact that new-mom Maria underwent almost 2 years of pregnancy treatments in order to have Cayetano (a name that peculiarly causes Jesus to cringe when spoken.)  

Nevertheless, this is when the Xanax should be swallowed, folks!

Maria leaves the infant with Jesus while she shops for her anticipated vegan-guests nearby and what quickly ensues is something made of the ultimate and unfathomable nightmare. We are outside of the lens during the actual incident and live in silence for a good 30 seconds before being invited into an accident of traumatic proportions. With the sudden beige carpet now, blood soaked (as/is Jesus who shakes uncontrollably in pure shock), I could feel my blood pressure rise with incomprehensible angst of what just transpired.

Unable to wrap his head around this devastation, Jesus frantically tries to normalize everything by sweeping the apartment with cleaning products, a diaper change, and hot shower before Maria returns home. His uneasiness of the day’s events is practically impossible to hide so his diversion (albeit honesty) shines through by bearing his soul to his stubborn and hard-nosed partner. Unconditional love and devotion are pledged to Maria and Cayetano no matter what their futures hold. The couple finally discover their commonalities as Carlos arrives with his peppy 18-year-old girlfriend in tow.  

The anxiety and emotional turmoil (mixed with plenty of alcohol) cause minor hallucinations and uncontrollable panic. Through conversations of definitive love and sacrifice, each person at the table identifies who owns their very being - who is their life source and reason for existence.  Jesus, unable to cope with his enormous distress, finally confides in his younger brother before making an inevitable attempt to rectify this mess in the only way he knows how. And it’s just absolutely heart-breaking, no matter which way you cut it.

And at that moment, we just know…this is not going to end well.