Hot Spring Shark Attack (2024)


REVIEWER RATING: 
1/10

DIRECTOR:

CAST:


There are bad movies and there are “what the fuck did I just watch?” movies. Hot Spring Shark Attack is without a doubt on the “da fuck?” list, beyond Sharknado smoking crack. I mean, with a title like that, you’d expect a healthy dose of schlock, especially when it comes to the Japanese horror market. Have you ever watched one of their game shows? However weird I expected this to be, I was unprepared for the magnitude of shitshow fuckery that makes up Hot Spring Shark Attack.

Set in a beautiful resort area of Atsumi, the locals and tourists enjoy their rest and relaxation before suddenly being thrusted into fear and chaos through ancient sharks, otherwise known as “Fonce Calidou”. Similar to what I would name “the dinosaurs of the sea”, these twisted sons of bitches have mastered maneuvering through pipelines and into small hot springs!

Yes, you read that correctly. Prehistoric sharks squeeze themselves into cylinders to reach their prey which begins with a quiet comfortable hot spring but of course, like any insanely created creature feature…escalates into bathtubs and sewers before eventually transforming into land sharks. More or less. These crazy fuckers seem to appear whenever and wherever they choose. No one is safe…in their home, on the street, and especially in water! Avoid puddles!

While the town folks scramble to avoid a heinously brutal death from these predatory monsters, the mayor, prime minister (Shigeo Osako from Grotesque!) and the female version of Quinn (from Jaws) expert, collectively conclude that the city must evacuate so that they can just destroy the entire town, disposing of these water dwelling killers.

However, just like in Jaws, the shark specialist wants a moment of glory and even sabotages the mission with hopes of capturing and studying these colossal beasts. She sets off her plan with more glee and excitement than a mail-order bride, keeping her potential achievement high on the priority list. With that plot instantly thwarted by the somewhat rational mayor and through (I hesitate to say…) a quick build of an underwater submarine/3D printer (ok, I said it and it DOES sound as stupid as I imagined it would), the two join forces and tread downward in order to save Atsumi.

Hot Spring Shark Attack is simply a hot ludicrous mess with one point of redemption: Shigeo Osako. And though his presence was barely a blink of an eye long, it was still great to see him…even in an absurd film with claymation sharks.

OVERALL: 
I had low expectations but some hope while watching the opening scene: a young man tosses his girlfriend overboard to avoid a difficult explanation when he decides to marry into a wealthy family. He may not have expected the ensuing shark attack, but it did assist in his clearing the slate for his new and improved life. Unfortunately, these outrageous attacks have no boundaries and absolutely no meaning. So, what other supernatural force is introduced to “save the day”? Remember the Maui character from Disney’s Moana? Yeah, I’ll leave you with that and try to avoid the upcoming 2025 Shark Week extravaganza now.


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