“Jesus...what the fuck?!” (My sentiments exactly, Gwen.)

After checking out the trailer and reading countless positive reviews of The Black Phone online, I figured I would set aside my first instinct to avoid this, and approach head on into the new Blumhouse feature. Moral of the story – always trust your first instinct.

The Positive: Just like Hereditary (which incidentally, I disliked immensely!), I give mega props to the cast who continued to keep what little attention I had left, based on their talented performances. Young Finney (Mason Thames) and his sister Gwen (Madeleine McGraw) are simply incredible as the resilient children of a lonely and somewhat abusive alcoholic father (another fine rendition from the always awesome Davies.) They stick together against school bullies, unconditional friendships, potential love interests and their own intuition when a local serial killer is making his way through town. One by one, “The Grabber” is snatching classmates and neighborhood kids off the streets while more and more MISSING posters cover the fences across the community.

The Grabber (Hawke) takes on the persona of combined Pennywise-Meets-Joker, luring kids into his van through catchy magic tricks and black balloons. Covered in several crude masks, the kidnapper/murderer has a likeable trait while sing-songing his way through clumsy maneuvers and awkward interest in his victims. Hawke is bone-chilling as the protagonist, stealing the limelight in every scene he emerges into with constant grimness that has the evilest intentions.

While enjoying the characters’ development (especially Finney), you can’t help but notice that the actual plot leaves something to be desired.

The Negative: On the surface, this draws you into another abduction feared society in a small Denver town, back in 1979. It seems very convincing given the abundance of serial killers emerging from that decade, so I was intrigued at the likelihood that this would be somewhat…realistic. Ok, so that interpretation died immediately after Finney’s kidnapping led him to a damp basement with a disconnected black phone which provided endless incoming calls. From whom? The Grabber’s former victims, of course! There goes my theory. Cue the unnecessary supernatural dramatics now. Lame.

Still willing to ride out this weirdness, the “help” provided from each victim ranges from digging a hole, tearing apart a wall and ripping off slats from a window. Of course, there’s a reason for all these tasks, right? Well…. not really. And that’s when my patience wore thin. It just gave out all together as I waited for this stupidity to end.

I needed the five “W” questions answered and I huffed at each futile jump scare, which never pulled the story together. Who is The Grabber? What does he want? Where is this all coming from? How is he targeting his victims? Why Finney??? (When…well, that one I’ll let go.)

The icing on the overcooked cake is little sister, Gwen. She has the best momentum when it comes to stealing screen time from big brother Finney as a sassy little girl with a big potty mouth. However, given that her dreams are a thread to all these abductions, I am literally still waiting for the big reveal as to her special power, and resent being silenced with a simple “you inherited this from your deceased mom” card.

Really? What a cop out.